It was a shock to me when I realized that my boyfriend doesn’t need me.
From childhood we are inundated with the concept of what princess-like “true love” should be like. It is passionate, unparalleled and pure. You are supposed to NEED eachother. It is meant to be the “I can’t live if living is without you” Mariah Carey kind of love.
That’s love, right? You’re supposed to need your man or your woman. They complete you. Without them, you are incomplete, only a half of yourself, and you also kind of suck.
Well it wasn’t long till I realized that my boyfriend doesn’t actually need me….
He doesn’t need me to cook for him (he’s an excellent cook) and he doesn’t need me to clean for him (he’s a Virgo – need I say more?), and he doesn’t need me to gaze lovingly into his eyes while he eats his dinner (he would tell me to stop being weird). He doesn’t need me to be around for him to pursue his hobbies and interests. He doesn’t need me to hold his hand while he crosses the road.
He doesn’t depend on me financially. He doesn’t need me to drive him to work or pick him up for work. He doesn’t need me to water the plants, do the laundry, or cut his hair and all the wide array of things that girlfriends are “supposed” to do. Of course, I do everything I can- but that’s because I want to, not because he needs me to.
He is self-sufficient, self-motivated and is an expert of living his own life.
Dude doesn’t even need me for his sense of emotional stability, or spiritual groundedness. He doesn’t need me to make him feel important, or valuable, or powerful, or secure or happy with his life.
He is a strong enough person to provide this kind of emotional nourishment for himself.
To be honest, I think that if I was completely annihilated out of his day-to-day-life, I might hazard the guess that the earth just may continue to turn. He would get up, face the day, own the day, and do all the cool things he does that attracted me to him in the first place.
Of course, when I realized this, I was a little taken-aback. Wait a minute, if we don’t “NEED” eachother, and if we don’t actually need to need eachother, then why are we together?
Hello, we are together because we want to be together.
I got thinking about the difference between “wanting” something and “needing” something. To need is co-dependency. I need you because you provide me with something that I need. Wanting is an independent choice. I want you because I choose to have you in my life because I just think you are the coolest person around without even trying. I want you because I WANT YOU DAMNIT!
If someone needs to be with you – you may be filled with a false sense of security. The feeling that “yes, I am so messily entangled in his life that he just cannot leave my web without feeling the impact”. But this is a false and temporary sense of security. Even though you may “need” something from someone, if after some time, you realize that you no longer “want” it; you can find a replacement or a different way of getting what you need.It might be an uncomfortable transition, and it will certainly require a certain degree of adjustment, but realistically, you could do something about it. .
But if someone truly “WANTS” something – it is very hard to convince the person otherwise.
I don’t want to be with somebody because they need me, and I don’t want to tied to somebody because I need them.
I want to be with someone because I want to be with him.
And I want to be with someone because I respect and admire who they are as a person. This goes for my friendships as well. I want to actually like the people I love.
So, don’t bother with”love you without knowing why” and other poetic antics. Know why someone is in your life. Know why you want to love someone. I want to love you because I think you are a brilliant man, living your life as though it is your legacy, teaching through example, and because you make every day brighter just by being in it.