How to make people feel loved

(this photograph was taken at a gorgeous white sand beach in florida)

Relationships are invaluable things in our lives. They must be nurtured and cherished in order for us to learn what we have to learn from them.

*When I refer to “Relationships” I mean both romantic relationships, and the not-so-romantic relationships too. Both are equally instrumental in our big picture.

Often times, when we talk about relationships, we’re referring to our partner. What they are doing right, what they are doing wrong, what they need to do differently, and how they could change so that we could have a shot of being happy. Wouldn’t it be more interesting for us to instead focus on what we can do? On what changes we can make to make all the important people in our lives feel as special as they are?

In all our relationships our intentions should be:

To express the truest and highest version of ourselves.

And also

To create an environment that allows our partner to express the truest and highest version of themselves.

That’s it.

And when you do these things, you automatically love yourself. And you love your partner.

Relationships turn sour when our intentions deviate from this. When we want our partner to be a certain way, or do certain things, or perhaps NOT do certain things. When we believe that things have to be a certain way in order for us to be “happy.”

We hold our best counsel, and this goes for our partners too. Even the highest vision we have for our partners may not be as high as the one that they have for themselves – so it isn’t our place to judge, condemn or instruct them on how things must be. Our partners are our greatest teachers.

In this post, I will be talking about how we can create an environment that allows our partner to express the truest and highest version of themselves. This can be done in three ways.

 

ATTENTION

Pay attention in your relationships. Listen to your partner. The good stuff, the bad stuff, the ugly stuff. It doesn’t matter. Listen without judgement. Just be there for them. Just create a space that they can feel how they choose to feel, without having to self-censor themselves.

Actually listen to what they are saying, instead of waiting for your turn to talk. How was their day? No, really, how was their day? How do they feel about the way their life is going? Do they look beautiful today? Tell them!

Care about the things they care about, simply because you care about them.

Allow their presence to speak for themselves. Allow it to glow through in everything they do and say.

If they have something incredible to share, and maybe they are too shy to share it, introduce them to the right people, let them share their stories, allow them to sparkle. When you live to make someone else shine, you can’t help but get some of that sunshine on yourself too.

Ways to give someone you love attention:

-          Call them just to talk.

-          Ask them how their day was and really listen.

-          Ask them meaningful questions about who they are, who they want to be, and what they believe is possible for them.

-          Introduce them to your friends / your homies / your peeps.

-          Find an environment that you feel they will be able to share some of what they know without judgement.

-          Listen

-          Do something special just for them. Everyone loves surprises.

-          Do something genuinely helpful for them. Something that will truly make their life easier.

-          Set up a date night!

-          Compliment them in public. (genuine compliments, please)

 

 

AFFECTION

Because we all need cuddles!

Of course, affection can manifest in many forms – so find a channel that works for you and just spread the love, y’all!

We all want to feel loved and cherished. Attention without affection can feel cold and uncaring. If attention is the hug, then affection is the warm fuzzy feelings that accompanies the hug.

And a hug without those warm fuzzy love feelings just doesn’t get the job done!

Ways to show affection to the ones you love:

-          Kisses and cuddles.

-          Making them laugh until it hurts.

-          Hold hands.

-          Bake them cookies/cake/ or whatever dang dessert they love.

-          If you missed them, tell them.

-          Take walks together.

-          Call them just to talk.

-         Buy or make them a meaningful gift.

-          Smile warmly at them

 

 

APPRECIATION

What makes us want to do more of the great things we do? Appreciation.

Our relationships and partners should naturally inspire us to continue doing wonderful things in our lives. It should be effortless. The appreciation you receive should be self-fulfilling itself. It should make you want to keep going out there into the world, chasing your dreams, and constantly evolving into the most kick-ass version of yourself.

Are there things you haven’t fully appreciated your partner for? There is always something to appreciate.

Maybe it’s the way they go to work and make money to keep your home happy and safe.

Maybe it’s the way make sure there is dinner on the table every night.

Maybe it’s the way they make you laugh!

Maybe it’s the way they folded down a page in a magazine they thought you would like.

They don’t have to do any of these things, but they do, because they love you, and they love themselves.

Maybe it’s just the fact that they are themselves. Being who they are and allowing you to somehow be a part of it.

Are there times in your relationship where you think “I probably would do that if they made me feel more appreciated!”

Of course you would. Anyone would. Everyone would do amazing things if they felt validated and loved and cherished for their efforts. It’s natural.

If you want to break this cycle, start showering your partner in appreciation.

 

Ways to show your partner you appreciate them:

-       Take the time to think of 5 things you really appreciate about your partner.

-       Send hand-made thank you cards/letters.

-      Don’t forget to say thank you!

-       Take the time to think about all the things you have grown to “Expect” your partner to do, and imagine your world if these expectations no longer existed – and they did                these things anyway. Think about how grateful you are for this.

-      Help out with something your partner usually always does, just because you appreciate that they do this for you all the time.

-      Speak good things about your partner and all the things they do and are for you.

-      Give them a biiiiig thank you hug!

-      Buy them coffee for being so awesometastic.

-      Try to make their “job” or “work” a little bit easier for them.

 

You know, even just a simple, meaningful, and genuine “thank you for ____” said with love, is enough!

 

—-

 

Let’s make it our intention to show warmth and care in all of our actions. Life is short and we just don’t have enough time to waste on being angry, sad, resentful, unappreciative, and in any state of mind that is not in total AWE of your amazing self, life, and all the beautiful people in it.

 

with love

malavikakakaka

 

 

 

13 steps to a more spiritually conscious relationship with your sweetiepie

Why should you have a conscious relationship?

Good question. When we are searching for our partner, we tell ourselves “I want a loving relationship” or “I want a loyal relationship” or “I want a passionate relationship” or “I want a fun relationship”, and while these are all great, if those are your only requirements, then I believe it can limit you from truly enjoying a total and complete companionship with your sweetie-pie-kissy-kissy-face.

Let’s work to engage in a conscious relationship with our partner. If consciousness and awareness is our first and foremost intention, then the romance, passion, cuddles, love, trust, loyalty and companionship will naturally follow. By bringing consciousness into the realm of your relationship, we begin to feel spiritually fulfilled in our relationship. And all relationships are spiritual connections, but often times we miss that connection, and end up feeling unsatisfied or emotionally empty in our relationship.

So, how do you do that?

1. Practice non-violent communication.

It’s surprising how quickly we succumb to violence as a voice for our desperation, anger, and even sadness. We are so quick to blame, antagonize, threaten, yell at and give haughty ultimatums, all based on the belief that this will get us what we want (love, affection, understanding, an apology, some kind of assistance). Make a real and conscious effort to avoid non-violent communication with your honeybunny. It doesn’t mean you have to be positive all the time and ignore things that upset you, all it means is that you react appropriately and realize that there is never an excuse to be violent. Is it acceptable for your partner to beat you to prove a point? No. Is it acceptable for you to hurt someone emotionally to prove a point? No. There is no “fine line”, there is no grey area. It is crystal clear, black and white. Violence or non violence. There is no such thing as a friendly threat, a kind guilt trip. And if you strip all of this away, all you are left with is honest and an open communication. If you are angry, you can tell them you are angry without becoming your anger.

For a 30 day trial, make it your intention to practice non-violent communication. Has there ever been a time when your sweetie asked you a simple question, and you, having many other important things on your mind, snapped back an answer? Or perhaps you have been the recipient for such undeserved tone? Make it your intention to breathe, feel your feelings, and respond lovingly and sweetly.

2. Practice non-violent action.

I guess this means no more throwing your curling iron across the room, ladies! Just kidding. Violent forms of action (and reaction) are not simply confined in the realms of domestic abuse. Things like just “happening to bump into your ex” after an argument with your partner, any kind of move to provoke jealousy from your partner (“Jealousy always has the opposite affect you want it to have”), walking out without any reasons (if you are making the highest decision for the relationship by leaving the environment, you can always tell them that, even if you don’t know exactly why), yelling, pushing and shoving (and more), mocking your partner in any way shape or form. By simply bringing more awareness into your relationship you might surprise yourself with how “violent” we can be in our speech and our actions, even if “violent” was a word we never thought of associating with ourselves.

I could end this post right here and just those two steps would be enough for you to bring consciousness into your relationship. But, I’ll keep going….

3. Your partner is your greatest teacher.

How about this – your partner is perfect. You don’t need to fix them. He is here to teach you so much. Are you learning all you need to? Are you keeping up? Are you learning your lessons? You see, the only person you need to work on is yourself, because your partner is perfect. If only the world would start seeing their own relationships this way – imagine how different things would be? We would spend our time bettering ourselves, rather than engaged in a futile attempt to change someone else.

For the next 30 days, try to see the lessons your partner is trying to teach you. See your partner as endlessly wise. He has much to show you, much to teach you. And if there are times he does things that make you think “well that sure ain’t ‘endlessly wise’” imagine that he had acted in that way for you to learn your lesson. All is well with your honey. What do you need to work on?

4. Your relationship is a mirror.

Your relationship is a perfect reflection on yourself, and your life. Do you feel trapped in your relationship? Chances are there are areas in your life you feel trapped in too. But your relationship is close to home, it is probably the most intimate connection you have with somebody, so begin here. Ask yourself what feelings does your relationship bring up for you? What do you associate with it? And then find the reflection of these associations in the rest of your life. Then begin to fix those, and notice your relationship magically shift.

5. Make changes for yourself, and your relationship will follow.

Instead of saying things like “If only he would do pay more attention to me…then we would be happier”, turn it around to “if only I would pay more attention to me, then we would be happier” or “if only I would pay more attention to him, then we would be happier”. Whatever changes you want to bring about in your partner, make them happen in your own life first, and your relationship will follow.

6. See your cutiepie as an individual.

Who was your honey before you guys melted into each other? He was human. He had good habits, bad habits, dreams, fears, hopes, passions, interests. Guess what? He still has all those things, so allow him to. Let him be alive. Let him experience the world and himself the way he needs to. Your job is to provide that space within your relationship for him to do just that. And he will gladly return the favour. Remember that your sweetie pie is doing the best he/she can with the resources they feel they have available to them.

7. Treat your partner nicely.

We forget to take the time to just treat our partner “good”. To not take them for granted, to appreciate every nice thing they do do for us. To do nice things for them, like sending a note in their lunch, or a surprise phone call, or a loving text, or a home full of candles, or a massage, or researching something that is important to them, or just listening to them about their day.

8. Good expectations Vs. bad expectations.

While it is okay to have expectations about your relationship as a whole (“I expect to feel loved and respected in a relationship”) you don’t need to have expectations about HOW that will happen (“I expect my husband to buy me roses for my birthday and make it a huge deal, or else I will be disappointed”). Once you are disappointed once by having unrealistic expectations, it becomes very difficult to stop feeling disappointed and unsatisfied in your relationship. So ease up on the expectations and be pleasantly surprised.

9. Be honest and loyal.

A wonderful way to bring consciousness to your relationship is to just be honest. Remember, when you lie to your partner, you are lying to yourself, and that is one of the most hurtful things you can do to yourself. An aunt once told me “No matter who you are with, just be loyal. Just be honest. Just be true.” Now this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t end a relationship if it i sno longer is working for either of you, it simply means, do whatever you need to do, but always do it in the right way.

10. Fight well.

Have constructive fights, not damaging fights. Feel your emotions, and try to steer clear of aiming your negative feelings at your hunnylips, and instead at the experience or the circumstance you find yourself in. Use every disagreement you have to elevate you to a higher level. Every fight should help you understand him/her more, not hold you back.

Also, understand that the moment you speak badly of your partner to someone outside the two of you, you distance yourself from the relationship. Especially if the person you are talking to is not an objective source, and ends up siding with you.

11.  Make up well.

End fights well. Learn what you need to learn. Don’t leave issues unresolved. Understand why the argument happened in the first place.

12.  Listen well.

Learn to listen again. Listen lovingly. Instead of just waiting for your turn to talk. It can be shocking how self involved we can become in a long term relationship. If you catch yourself doing it, quit it, and make a shift in the conversation. Make one of your intentions to simply “listen” and to “serve”. If you don’t feel listened to, or heard in your relationship, begin here by being the best listener to your partner in the history of the universe.

13.  Love well.

Be loving in the way that is right for you. If you are romantic- be romantic. If you claim you used to be romantic but somewhere along the line you just “lost it” – be romantic. If you show love by doing favours, helping out, doing nice things – do all those things! If you show yourself by cuddles, kisses, and other forms of affection – give more cuddles and more kisses today! How do you express your feelings of affection and love? Do those things. Love deeply, and always, always, always, love out loud. Otherwise, what’s the use?