How important is your boyfriend/girlfriend in your relationship?

 

The state of our relationships is changing. Our relationship goals are changing. What worked for us in the past may not necessarily work anymore.

In the past the importance was usually put upon cultivating a family.

To do list:

-       Meet my prince/princess

-       Get married

-       Buy a house together

-       Have 3 babies and a golden retriever.

 

But things are changing, and with the current divorce rate between 40%-50% (in the US), it’s clear that maybe it takes more than babies and an obedient dog to keep your family together.

Fact: relationships are changing.

Peoples values about what is meaningful to them is changing, and it seems that whatever that meaningful thing is, we’re struggling to find it in our relationships.

I do not think that this is a bad thing.

That is my humble opinion. I think that we can use this as an opportunity to be more conscious in our relationships; to really figure out what exactly our end goal in our relationship is.

This is where I ask you to think about your end-goal in a relationship. What is the GOAL you want to achieve, your INTENTION that you want to manifest within your relationship?

Some people say it is to create a family together. This is a popular one.

But what about if your end goal was to just BE with your partner? Just to have an intimate relationship with this particular human being? Just to have a conscious and high-level, and non-destructive and loving relationship? Does that mean you can’t create a family together, white picket fence and all? Of course not. It just means that your priority is different. It just means that being with your partner and having a good and happy relationship is a more important foundation to you than anything else (what would you rather have holding your relationship together? love/intimacy/connection or a house/finances/children?). It means that what is meaningful to you is to share a relationship experience with this person. And everything else is a natural and progressional blessing. Hmm “progressional”. I think I made that word up but it sounds pretty legitimate.

And when you are open to that, you are open to many other possibilities – the highest of highest, the best of the best. And when you are open to other possibilities, the world will open up for you. You can create a family. You can vacation every year. You can continue working.

And all of these things will be GOOD things – not chores, not “to-do’s”, just an effortless flow of your life – because your end goal is to just be with this person.

And as your family grows, your end-goal will be to be with them too.

I know that we hear that as a society we are too materialistic and depend on material things to bring us happiness and satisfaction. But I think that we can be like that in the area of relationships too.

I think that sometimes we are so focused on playing a certain role, and we are programmed to reach a certain goal – fall in love, get married, buy a house together, have a child, get a pet, get mad at eachother when the puppy pees all over your new bed, get a high paying job that you like, have another child, vacation once a year etc.

I’m not saying that these things should not be important and you shouldn’t have them. You should and you will (if that’s what you want of course), I’m just saying – don’t make them more important than your partner. The dude or superfox who you fell in love with. The man who is working every day to make sure you are comfortable and have everything you need. The sweetheart who is sewing the bottons on your shirt and folding down the pages in magazines of articles she thinks you might find interesting.

When couples undergo relationship counseling, the counselor will usually ask questions like:

“What do you like about your partner?”

“What bothers you most about your partner?”

“What changes would you like to see happening in your relationship?”

“How do you feel about intimacy with your partner?”

“What positive actions does your partner do in your relationship already?”

“What could they do differently?”

 

These are all “my-partner-is-my-end-goal” related questions. These are questions that are assuming that this is how you are thinking. That your partner is your end goal.

And if this is not the case (As it is sometimes not), and your end goal in your relationship is something different – you may have a hard time answering these questions, because you are not necessarily aligned with these questions.

And this is why many couples enter counseling but can come out worse for ware – not because they don’t know the answers to these questions (maybe they do, maybe they don’t), but because these are not the questions that are most important to them.

Remember that when you are setting relationship goals with your partner (Sooo cute!) you may say things like “Listen to eachother more”, “be more affectionate”, “don’t blame the other person”, “always be honest with your partner” – um HELLO, these are all related to your partner being the end goal.

But if the poor guy isn’t your end goal, you probably won’t find much satisfaction doing any of these things. Or it will just be really difficult.

So I ask you to think about it. Why are you with who you are with? Are you with them just to be with them. To share this crazy life experience with them? To inspire, and protect, and love and nurture and just totally RELISH in the joy of their company (not all the time, let’s not be corny here.)? Or do you have another purpose, and do you think that your relationship is the best way to get you there? Are you comfortable using your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband as a tool to fulfill the role you want to play in your life, or would you rather just want to be with them?

And maybe after you ask yourself all these questions, you realize that you don’t really even want to make your partner your end goal. Thats okay. But maybe you would want to reevaluate your relationship and why you are in it.

I think that if you make your partner your end goal, not only will you be a good partner back to them, but you will also be able to relax and let life flow between the two of you. You will be able to have all the other things that you want, such as a life together, a family together, a baby together, a lifestyle together, a home together, vacations together – all of these things – as long as you don’t forget that the most important part is the “together”.

 

13 steps to a more spiritually conscious relationship with your sweetiepie

Why should you have a conscious relationship?

Good question. When we are searching for our partner, we tell ourselves “I want a loving relationship” or “I want a loyal relationship” or “I want a passionate relationship” or “I want a fun relationship”, and while these are all great, if those are your only requirements, then I believe it can limit you from truly enjoying a total and complete companionship with your sweetie-pie-kissy-kissy-face.

Let’s work to engage in a conscious relationship with our partner. If consciousness and awareness is our first and foremost intention, then the romance, passion, cuddles, love, trust, loyalty and companionship will naturally follow. By bringing consciousness into the realm of your relationship, we begin to feel spiritually fulfilled in our relationship. And all relationships are spiritual connections, but often times we miss that connection, and end up feeling unsatisfied or emotionally empty in our relationship.

So, how do you do that?

1. Practice non-violent communication.

It’s surprising how quickly we succumb to violence as a voice for our desperation, anger, and even sadness. We are so quick to blame, antagonize, threaten, yell at and give haughty ultimatums, all based on the belief that this will get us what we want (love, affection, understanding, an apology, some kind of assistance). Make a real and conscious effort to avoid non-violent communication with your honeybunny. It doesn’t mean you have to be positive all the time and ignore things that upset you, all it means is that you react appropriately and realize that there is never an excuse to be violent. Is it acceptable for your partner to beat you to prove a point? No. Is it acceptable for you to hurt someone emotionally to prove a point? No. There is no “fine line”, there is no grey area. It is crystal clear, black and white. Violence or non violence. There is no such thing as a friendly threat, a kind guilt trip. And if you strip all of this away, all you are left with is honest and an open communication. If you are angry, you can tell them you are angry without becoming your anger.

For a 30 day trial, make it your intention to practice non-violent communication. Has there ever been a time when your sweetie asked you a simple question, and you, having many other important things on your mind, snapped back an answer? Or perhaps you have been the recipient for such undeserved tone? Make it your intention to breathe, feel your feelings, and respond lovingly and sweetly.

2. Practice non-violent action.

I guess this means no more throwing your curling iron across the room, ladies! Just kidding. Violent forms of action (and reaction) are not simply confined in the realms of domestic abuse. Things like just “happening to bump into your ex” after an argument with your partner, any kind of move to provoke jealousy from your partner (“Jealousy always has the opposite affect you want it to have”), walking out without any reasons (if you are making the highest decision for the relationship by leaving the environment, you can always tell them that, even if you don’t know exactly why), yelling, pushing and shoving (and more), mocking your partner in any way shape or form. By simply bringing more awareness into your relationship you might surprise yourself with how “violent” we can be in our speech and our actions, even if “violent” was a word we never thought of associating with ourselves.

I could end this post right here and just those two steps would be enough for you to bring consciousness into your relationship. But, I’ll keep going….

3. Your partner is your greatest teacher.

How about this – your partner is perfect. You don’t need to fix them. He is here to teach you so much. Are you learning all you need to? Are you keeping up? Are you learning your lessons? You see, the only person you need to work on is yourself, because your partner is perfect. If only the world would start seeing their own relationships this way – imagine how different things would be? We would spend our time bettering ourselves, rather than engaged in a futile attempt to change someone else.

For the next 30 days, try to see the lessons your partner is trying to teach you. See your partner as endlessly wise. He has much to show you, much to teach you. And if there are times he does things that make you think “well that sure ain’t ‘endlessly wise’” imagine that he had acted in that way for you to learn your lesson. All is well with your honey. What do you need to work on?

4. Your relationship is a mirror.

Your relationship is a perfect reflection on yourself, and your life. Do you feel trapped in your relationship? Chances are there are areas in your life you feel trapped in too. But your relationship is close to home, it is probably the most intimate connection you have with somebody, so begin here. Ask yourself what feelings does your relationship bring up for you? What do you associate with it? And then find the reflection of these associations in the rest of your life. Then begin to fix those, and notice your relationship magically shift.

5. Make changes for yourself, and your relationship will follow.

Instead of saying things like “If only he would do pay more attention to me…then we would be happier”, turn it around to “if only I would pay more attention to me, then we would be happier” or “if only I would pay more attention to him, then we would be happier”. Whatever changes you want to bring about in your partner, make them happen in your own life first, and your relationship will follow.

6. See your cutiepie as an individual.

Who was your honey before you guys melted into each other? He was human. He had good habits, bad habits, dreams, fears, hopes, passions, interests. Guess what? He still has all those things, so allow him to. Let him be alive. Let him experience the world and himself the way he needs to. Your job is to provide that space within your relationship for him to do just that. And he will gladly return the favour. Remember that your sweetie pie is doing the best he/she can with the resources they feel they have available to them.

7. Treat your partner nicely.

We forget to take the time to just treat our partner “good”. To not take them for granted, to appreciate every nice thing they do do for us. To do nice things for them, like sending a note in their lunch, or a surprise phone call, or a loving text, or a home full of candles, or a massage, or researching something that is important to them, or just listening to them about their day.

8. Good expectations Vs. bad expectations.

While it is okay to have expectations about your relationship as a whole (“I expect to feel loved and respected in a relationship”) you don’t need to have expectations about HOW that will happen (“I expect my husband to buy me roses for my birthday and make it a huge deal, or else I will be disappointed”). Once you are disappointed once by having unrealistic expectations, it becomes very difficult to stop feeling disappointed and unsatisfied in your relationship. So ease up on the expectations and be pleasantly surprised.

9. Be honest and loyal.

A wonderful way to bring consciousness to your relationship is to just be honest. Remember, when you lie to your partner, you are lying to yourself, and that is one of the most hurtful things you can do to yourself. An aunt once told me “No matter who you are with, just be loyal. Just be honest. Just be true.” Now this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t end a relationship if it i sno longer is working for either of you, it simply means, do whatever you need to do, but always do it in the right way.

10. Fight well.

Have constructive fights, not damaging fights. Feel your emotions, and try to steer clear of aiming your negative feelings at your hunnylips, and instead at the experience or the circumstance you find yourself in. Use every disagreement you have to elevate you to a higher level. Every fight should help you understand him/her more, not hold you back.

Also, understand that the moment you speak badly of your partner to someone outside the two of you, you distance yourself from the relationship. Especially if the person you are talking to is not an objective source, and ends up siding with you.

11.  Make up well.

End fights well. Learn what you need to learn. Don’t leave issues unresolved. Understand why the argument happened in the first place.

12.  Listen well.

Learn to listen again. Listen lovingly. Instead of just waiting for your turn to talk. It can be shocking how self involved we can become in a long term relationship. If you catch yourself doing it, quit it, and make a shift in the conversation. Make one of your intentions to simply “listen” and to “serve”. If you don’t feel listened to, or heard in your relationship, begin here by being the best listener to your partner in the history of the universe.

13.  Love well.

Be loving in the way that is right for you. If you are romantic- be romantic. If you claim you used to be romantic but somewhere along the line you just “lost it” – be romantic. If you show love by doing favours, helping out, doing nice things – do all those things! If you show yourself by cuddles, kisses, and other forms of affection – give more cuddles and more kisses today! How do you express your feelings of affection and love? Do those things. Love deeply, and always, always, always, love out loud. Otherwise, what’s the use?