Why should you have a conscious relationship?
Good question. When we are searching for our partner, we tell ourselves “I want a loving relationship” or “I want a loyal relationship” or “I want a passionate relationship” or “I want a fun relationship”, and while these are all great, if those are your only requirements, then I believe it can limit you from truly enjoying a total and complete companionship with your sweetie-pie-kissy-kissy-face.
Let’s work to engage in a conscious relationship with our partner. If consciousness and awareness is our first and foremost intention, then the romance, passion, cuddles, love, trust, loyalty and companionship will naturally follow. By bringing consciousness into the realm of your relationship, we begin to feel spiritually fulfilled in our relationship. And all relationships are spiritual connections, but often times we miss that connection, and end up feeling unsatisfied or emotionally empty in our relationship.
So, how do you do that?
1. Practice non-violent communication.
It’s surprising how quickly we succumb to violence as a voice for our desperation, anger, and even sadness. We are so quick to blame, antagonize, threaten, yell at and give haughty ultimatums, all based on the belief that this will get us what we want (love, affection, understanding, an apology, some kind of assistance). Make a real and conscious effort to avoid non-violent communication with your honeybunny. It doesn’t mean you have to be positive all the time and ignore things that upset you, all it means is that you react appropriately and realize that there is never an excuse to be violent. Is it acceptable for your partner to beat you to prove a point? No. Is it acceptable for you to hurt someone emotionally to prove a point? No. There is no “fine line”, there is no grey area. It is crystal clear, black and white. Violence or non violence. There is no such thing as a friendly threat, a kind guilt trip. And if you strip all of this away, all you are left with is honest and an open communication. If you are angry, you can tell them you are angry without becoming your anger.
For a 30 day trial, make it your intention to practice non-violent communication. Has there ever been a time when your sweetie asked you a simple question, and you, having many other important things on your mind, snapped back an answer? Or perhaps you have been the recipient for such undeserved tone? Make it your intention to breathe, feel your feelings, and respond lovingly and sweetly.
2. Practice non-violent action.
I guess this means no more throwing your curling iron across the room, ladies! Just kidding. Violent forms of action (and reaction) are not simply confined in the realms of domestic abuse. Things like just “happening to bump into your ex” after an argument with your partner, any kind of move to provoke jealousy from your partner (“Jealousy always has the opposite affect you want it to have”), walking out without any reasons (if you are making the highest decision for the relationship by leaving the environment, you can always tell them that, even if you don’t know exactly why), yelling, pushing and shoving (and more), mocking your partner in any way shape or form. By simply bringing more awareness into your relationship you might surprise yourself with how “violent” we can be in our speech and our actions, even if “violent” was a word we never thought of associating with ourselves.
I could end this post right here and just those two steps would be enough for you to bring consciousness into your relationship. But, I’ll keep going….
3. Your partner is your greatest teacher.
How about this – your partner is perfect. You don’t need to fix them. He is here to teach you so much. Are you learning all you need to? Are you keeping up? Are you learning your lessons? You see, the only person you need to work on is yourself, because your partner is perfect. If only the world would start seeing their own relationships this way – imagine how different things would be? We would spend our time bettering ourselves, rather than engaged in a futile attempt to change someone else.
For the next 30 days, try to see the lessons your partner is trying to teach you. See your partner as endlessly wise. He has much to show you, much to teach you. And if there are times he does things that make you think “well that sure ain’t ‘endlessly wise’” imagine that he had acted in that way for you to learn your lesson. All is well with your honey. What do you need to work on?
4. Your relationship is a mirror.
Your relationship is a perfect reflection on yourself, and your life. Do you feel trapped in your relationship? Chances are there are areas in your life you feel trapped in too. But your relationship is close to home, it is probably the most intimate connection you have with somebody, so begin here. Ask yourself what feelings does your relationship bring up for you? What do you associate with it? And then find the reflection of these associations in the rest of your life. Then begin to fix those, and notice your relationship magically shift.
5. Make changes for yourself, and your relationship will follow.
Instead of saying things like “If only he would do pay more attention to me…then we would be happier”, turn it around to “if only I would pay more attention to me, then we would be happier” or “if only I would pay more attention to him, then we would be happier”. Whatever changes you want to bring about in your partner, make them happen in your own life first, and your relationship will follow.
6. See your cutiepie as an individual.
Who was your honey before you guys melted into each other? He was human. He had good habits, bad habits, dreams, fears, hopes, passions, interests. Guess what? He still has all those things, so allow him to. Let him be alive. Let him experience the world and himself the way he needs to. Your job is to provide that space within your relationship for him to do just that. And he will gladly return the favour. Remember that your sweetie pie is doing the best he/she can with the resources they feel they have available to them.
7. Treat your partner nicely.
We forget to take the time to just treat our partner “good”. To not take them for granted, to appreciate every nice thing they do do for us. To do nice things for them, like sending a note in their lunch, or a surprise phone call, or a loving text, or a home full of candles, or a massage, or researching something that is important to them, or just listening to them about their day.
8. Good expectations Vs. bad expectations.
While it is okay to have expectations about your relationship as a whole (“I expect to feel loved and respected in a relationship”) you don’t need to have expectations about HOW that will happen (“I expect my husband to buy me roses for my birthday and make it a huge deal, or else I will be disappointed”). Once you are disappointed once by having unrealistic expectations, it becomes very difficult to stop feeling disappointed and unsatisfied in your relationship. So ease up on the expectations and be pleasantly surprised.
9. Be honest and loyal.
A wonderful way to bring consciousness to your relationship is to just be honest. Remember, when you lie to your partner, you are lying to yourself, and that is one of the most hurtful things you can do to yourself. An aunt once told me “No matter who you are with, just be loyal. Just be honest. Just be true.” Now this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t end a relationship if it i sno longer is working for either of you, it simply means, do whatever you need to do, but always do it in the right way.
10. Fight well.
Have constructive fights, not damaging fights. Feel your emotions, and try to steer clear of aiming your negative feelings at your hunnylips, and instead at the experience or the circumstance you find yourself in. Use every disagreement you have to elevate you to a higher level. Every fight should help you understand him/her more, not hold you back.
Also, understand that the moment you speak badly of your partner to someone outside the two of you, you distance yourself from the relationship. Especially if the person you are talking to is not an objective source, and ends up siding with you.
11. Make up well.
End fights well. Learn what you need to learn. Don’t leave issues unresolved. Understand why the argument happened in the first place.
12. Listen well.
Learn to listen again. Listen lovingly. Instead of just waiting for your turn to talk. It can be shocking how self involved we can become in a long term relationship. If you catch yourself doing it, quit it, and make a shift in the conversation. Make one of your intentions to simply “listen” and to “serve”. If you don’t feel listened to, or heard in your relationship, begin here by being the best listener to your partner in the history of the universe.
13. Love well.
Be loving in the way that is right for you. If you are romantic- be romantic. If you claim you used to be romantic but somewhere along the line you just “lost it” – be romantic. If you show love by doing favours, helping out, doing nice things – do all those things! If you show yourself by cuddles, kisses, and other forms of affection – give more cuddles and more kisses today! How do you express your feelings of affection and love? Do those things. Love deeply, and always, always, always, love out loud. Otherwise, what’s the use?