I listened to a very interesting lecture by Dr. Oleg Torsunov on how to pick a partner to marry, so I thought I could share it with you today.
I think that choosing the man that you will marry is one of the biggest decisions to make in your life. And it is a choice that we must usually make early on in life, before we have the true wisdom and experience to make a completely well composed decision. But that’s just the way life is. Our life is full of tests, and each test that you pass gives you the ability to continue building your life in a successful way. “Sometimes you need to pass these tests at a very young age, when you don’t really understand how life will turn out later. And marriage just happens to be that kind of test.” (Dr. Torsunov)
This is why, in the Indian culture there existed the concept of arranged marriages. In this culture, the parents (who are assumed to be wiser, and have more life experience) help their child make the decision of who to marry. They look at many factors of the lives the potential partner for their son/daughter. They systematically look at compatibility on all different levels rather than simple surface chemistry. They look at the background, the values, the family, the karma of the boy/girl’s life, the nature of the boy/girl’s true self, the astrological compatibility etc.Well, this is the old idea behind arranged marriages, it may or may not have changed since then, I am not sure.
So, in our culture today, where we are given the responsibility of finding our own partner for life, we can still try to approach this with the wisdom of the ancestors; who built marriages to last.
So when you first meet a potential “suitor”, according to the Vedas, here are some considerations we should take into account. Under each consideration there are 5 different variations, and according to them, we can see what kind of happiness that a person aspires to, including ourselves.
The first variation is a happiness based on spiritual practices. These people live their life to serve God.
The second is a happiness based on the heart center. These people live their life according to their values of their heart.
The third is a happiness based on power and prestige. These people live their life to attain success and prestige in life.
The fourth is a happiness based on comfort. These people live their life to be comfortable and secure.
The fifth is a happiness based on ignorance. They tend to have an incorrect understanding of happiness, looking for it in all the wrong places. They live their life for entertainment and pleasure.
By the way, I apologize for the use of so many “he’s” (instead of gender neutral language) for both male and female readers.
1. The way he talks to his elders
You need to observe carefully how he behaves with those who are older than him. Is he humble and respectful? Does he help them, listen to them? You can also observe the way he interacts with your parents. His attitude towards your parents shows possibility of future growth in your relationship. Is he caring, attentive, humble around them? Or does he regard them as unimportant? The Vedas say that how a girl behaves with her parents give an indicator of how she will behave with her husband. So how does she behave with her parents? Does she listen to them, take care of them, respect them? These are all qualities that would be ideal between a husband and wife too! His ability to respect and be subordinate to his elders show his ability to be humble in life. If he cannot do that, then it will also be very difficult for him to feel genuinely humble in life. Humility is a very important force in life, and plays a key role in making relationships work.
There are 5 types of relationships with the elderly, and each person acts in a certain way according to the type of happiness that they have a taste for.
a) He respects all elders, especially parents and teachers. At this level of understanding, this gives the potential of having very high family happiness with this man.
b) He respects only HIS teachers and parents, but has a neutral attitude to all other elders. With this level of understanding, there is potential to build a relationship based on peace, happiness and progress. However, in a relationship with this man, it may be difficult to develop a common understanding on spiritual issues.
c) On the outside he shows respect for all elders, but he lacts the internal reverence and respect for them. He still believes he is wiser than them. With this level of understanding it shows potential for a love that is based on the desire for power and prestige.
d) He is rude to the senior people in society who have strong reputations in society. On the outside, he is respectful to those that are respected by all, but on the inside, he has many complaints about them, and has a very rude attitude about them. With this level of understanding, there is potential for a love that has a desire for comfort and prosperity.
e) He is rude and dismissive towards all older people, especially the ones that everyone respects. With this level of understanding, there is potential for a love that is based on sexual attraction.
2. The way he interacts with children
The Vedas say that the way a man interacts with children gives and indication of the way that he will interact with his wife. Is he considerate and playful with children? Sometimes men can be shy to play with children (especially other people’s children), but can you see that he at the very least likes to see and be around children? Or is does he get irritated by them all the time? His relationship with those who are younger than him shows his maturity, and his ability to mature over time. The Vedas say that if you did not respect your elders in a past life, then in this life, you will be unable to respect young people.
a) He is compassionate and caring for all children, and also is not afraid to help them learn things and tell them when they are doing something wrong in a loving way. Children seem to like him, respect him, and feel safe under his care. At this level of understanding, there is potential to build a very high level type of love.
b) He is kind and caring towards only the children that depend on him (for example, children within his own family, or his own children) but has a neutral attitude towards other kids. At this level of understanding there is potential to build a love based on the desire for peace, happiness and progress. It would be difficult to develop a spiritual connection however.
c) On the outside he is compassionate towards kids but only superficially and only when it can benefits him. At this level of understanding there is potential to build a love based on the desire for power and prestige.
d) He is blatantly rude to children that disrespect him but outwardly respectful to the young ones that behave well. At this level of understanding there is potential to build a love based on the desire for comfort and prosperity.
e) He is rude and/or dismissive towards all young people. He finds them annoying and silly. At this level of understanding there is potential to build a love based on the desire for sexual attraction.
3. Who are his friends, what do they do, and how does he spend his leisure time?
We also need to observe the surroundings of our future husband. Who are his friends? The quality of friends a person has often indicates the quality of their heart. What are his friendships based on?
Friendships based on:
a) His friendships are based on spiritual, benevolent and self-development aspirations. Amongst friends he likes to discuss his spiritual ideas, ways that they can serve their family, friends and community, and they like to discuss how to become better people.
b) His friendships are based on shared values. As a group of friends, they would never deviate from their set of values and always try to behave in the “right” way according to society. They keep traditions amongst themselves and respect each other, but can all have different goals in life.
c) His friendships are based on politics and shared interests. They have strong opinions on politics and current affairs, what’s hot and what’s not, what’s cool and what’s not, good places to eat good food, good movies and bad movies etc. They usually get together to talk about these things or do what they consider “cool” together.
d) His friendships are usually created at work with his colleagues. They maintain conversation and interaction in a workplace setting, and will sometimes get together for work functions and work parties, but other than that his friends are not really a big part of his life.
e) He meets his friends only for unfavourable or degrading activities, such as taking drugs, getting very drunk, finding women to sleep with etc.
Also take note of how he spends his leisure time. Does he engage in self-development, or does he try to improve his his intellect, or his finances, or his body and appearance, or can he be lazy and not believe he needs to improve anything? Does he spend his leisure time serving, or socializing, or in shady business (read: shady bidnizz)
4. How does he act in a casual setting
Meal time is usually provides quite a relaxed atmosphere for people, and we can observe how people act and what they talk about during such an atmosphere. As a person eats they tend to lose control over language and they tend to talk more freely about what is inside them. Their behaviour in a relaxed setting can indicate their level of understanding of what happiness means to them.
a) He eats blessed food (so he shows gratitude and grace before a meal). He does not over eat, and at the table he tends to be quite reserved, listens to other people, and is focused and present when eating his meal. At this level of understanding there is potential to build a love based on grace.
b) He tries to be very generous, tries not to disturb anyone, speaks quietly, has a moderate appetite, eats “blissful” food. At this level of understanding, this person can develop relationships that lead to harmony at the heart level.
c) He is refined in diet, but cannot tell the difference between food in passion and food in benevolence. He has strong preferences when it comes to food (likes to eat “good” food, but does not understand what exactly is “good food”). At the dinner table he is inclined to discuss and condemn the bad qualities in people, discuss politics, he eats hurriedly and fast, he enjoys eating a formal setting. At this level of understanding, this person can develop relationships based on a desire for power and prestige.
d) He eats a lot of meat, but tries to eat in a refined manor, but ends up eating a lot. He likes to discuss business and the economic situation of the country, and eats for comfort – he eats for pleasure, to enjoy himself. At this level of understanding, it is likely that he can develop a love based on the desire to be comfortable and prosperous.
e) He often drinks a lot of alcohol during his meals, likes to discuss only sports, swears, tells tells dirty jokes and does not mind eating in a dirty environment. At this level of understanding it is likely that he can develop a love based on sexual attraction.
5. How does he act in a business setting
a) If he thinks about his business and work life as a way to help the people around him, to be honest and share knowledge and wisdom. If he incorporates spiritual ideals into his work life and tries to help others achieve them also. If he feels that the goal of all business is ultimately to serve a higher purpose, and to enable others to also serve a higher purpose. If he seeks spiritual balance and integrity in his work life, truly trying help the lives of those around him, then at this level of understanding you can create relationship based on the desire for spiritual progress.
b) If he considers it his responsibility to discuss topics such as: work ethic, values of the business, standards of morality in the public, good behavior in society etc, at this level of understanding, you can create a relationship based on the heart center and values.
c) If he considers it important to discuss politics, the laws of the country, achievement of success, wealth and fame, wealth and prosperity, managing people, time management, policies, expanding to a global business, then at this level of understanding you can build a relationship based on the desire for power and prestige.
d) If he likes to discuss is the business of others, who earns what, who is who, who works in which office etc then at this level of understanding, you can build a relationship based on the desire for money and a comfortable life.
e) If, in a business environment, he mostly condemns the people above him, and despite being in a business environment, still prefers to discuss gossip, sex, sports, movies and celebrities, then at this level of understanding you can build a relationship based on sexual love.
6. How he talks about the future and his motivations for a life together
To understand a person’s true inclinations it is also important to observe his goals and aspirations for the future, and also what he imagines marriage to be. It may be difficult to ask them “Hey, tell me about your true plans for the future”, and not everybody is open to disclose such personal information, so it is better to instead just observe them naturally without judgement, and simply see if what they have planned is compatible with your own nature.
A man’s true nature reflects very strongly in his plans for the future.
a) If he aspires firstly to spiritual progress, and builds his life around his spiritual aspirations. His plans are not necessarily based on the things he wants to acquire in life, or the positions he wants to hold in life, but rather on cultivating a life that allows himself to develop happiness and spirituality, and of course bring that into the life of the people he shares his time with. The plans he does make on decisions to give to charity, to visit sacred places, to engage in various activities to clear his consciousness. In a marriage, he looks for a girl that he can share this journey with. The purpose of their relationship is spiritual in nature. It is focused on God. It is focused on becoming better people, and helping each other become better people. They believe that marriage is a very important thing in life. This is a very high level relationship.
b) This person aspires to a pious life, and plans activities in life to increase their piety. They make plans to improve relationships with their colleagues, they are interested in developing themselves and try to live a happy life. They plan to keep up traditions and values. He has an urge to do something useful in society. He wants to achieve something in life. He looks for a girl with good values who will help him live by these standards. He looks for a girl who also wants to do good things for other people. They aspire to start a family and uphold values and tradition, and try to raise good and happy children.
c) This man enjoys the glory of planning the future of his career ventures. They make plans for prestige and power. They take care of their education, and plan to continue climbing the ladders of society. He plans where he would like to work in 5 years, 10 years, how much money he would like to have by then, what contacts he will have by then, what courses he will take by then. His idea of family happiness comes from a girl who has similar aspirations to make a name for herself in society. He dreams of a high-achieving life with a high achieving woman.
d) This man makes plans for the future, for things like: which apartment to buy, in which area of town, what kind of furniture to have, which car to buy, what kind of working schedule would fit best with his lifestyle. He is not very much into his career or hobbies, but instead prefers to enjoy a stable life, and collect “nice things”. He looks for a wife who will also value the same things. Who would work hard next to him in order to live in a comfortable apartment, drive a comfortable car, go on a comfortable beach holiday every year, and live a comfortable life. They don’t mind living together.
e) He dreams only about entertainment, and “cool things” to do in life, such as extreme sports, where to go on holiday, strange and unusual things to try. In order do these things he needs money, and sometimes can get involved with shady business in order to find the funding. His most important thing in life is to just find a job, any job. For them, who their partner is does not really matter, as long as they share the same interest at that time. So their partners can change quite frequently throughout life.
7. His diet and his daily regime
a) He eats vegetarian, blessed food, and likes to observe fasts for spiritual purposes. He follows a strict diet. He wakes up very early, before sunrise, engages in meditation, spends their day fulfilling their duties and serving the truth. In the evenings he may spend time studying the lives of saint-people, read holy books, and talk and think about God. He goes to bed early and wakes up at around 4am. His home is empty and free. With this man, you can build a relationship based on the attainment of spiritual truth and service to God.
b) He is a blissful person and tries to eat good food. But he does not yet practice cooking food with the love of God in mind. They do not observe many fasts, but restrict themselves moderately in diet. They are interested in the different methods of healthy living. He lives in a clean and blissful environment. He wakes up early (usually around 5am) and goes to bed around 10pm. He likes to spend his free time developing his character.
c) Aspiring to power and prestige, this man loves to eat luxuriously and elegantly. He is very concerned that his diet was healthy. Because of this, he can follow many different diets (Which have nothing to do with spirituality) based on the chemical components of food and not their spiritual value. He goes to bed around 10-11pm and wakes up around 6:00am. In his free time he likes to study the rules and laws of business and success in life, and he likes to watch exciting tv shows. He likes to spend some evenings amongst his elite group of friends, in a luxurious environment, and he loves to celebrate things!
d) Inspired by the desire for comfort, this man likes to eat foods that have strong flavors (salty, sour, sweet, spicy). He is fond of rich dishes and enjoys all sorts of delicacies. He does not think it is important to follow a daily routine, unless he has to, due to his work schedule etc. He usually goes to bed around 11:00-12:00 and wakes up at 7:00am for work. In his spare time, he likes to watch TV serials and the news.
e) This man has no daily routine or diet. In his free time, he likes to find all kinds of entertainment. He usually has some bad habits.
As always, thank you for reading.