My little bird that flew away

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Life has been floating by. I stopped writing and I stopped taking photographs. I just couldn’t find it in me. I think there was too much to feel and be a part of lately.

After Mia’s due date passed, I couldn’t quite come back from it.  The day itself was as difficult as I had anticipated, but there was a heaviness in the weeks to follow that made life slow and tired.  I feel forever changed, touched by death.

I spent a short time with my parents in BC. One afternoon I said to my mother “I am to you what Mia is to me. You must love me so much.”

My mom just smiled.

Slowly, I find myself coming back to my words.

And I wrote something about my daughter. It was too big to be a poem, and too small to be a story. So here it is, rough, but loved – a little piece of writing from my heart.


I waited for you, for a very long time, since the beginning of the winter, since the beginning of time. You promised you would come one summer, and that one day we would meet, one day we would fly together, and my heart would be complete.

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Daughters of the woods

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I’m finding it difficult to write these days. This month of June is a heavy one for me, because it is the month that would have been my daughter Mia’s due date, on the 22nd. My sadness disguises itself as many different things, and my grief twists its way around everything I touch. I sit down every morning to write to you, but no words come.

So instead, please join me as I revisit memories of a warm, cloudy afternoon in May.

Three sisters and our dog, playing by the small trickling stream, stepping on slippery rocks, wetting our feet in the cold water.

Holding hands and running through the hills made of long, long grass.

And walking bravely at the edge of it all – where the blue mountains meet the sky.

“Nature is a woman’s best friend. If you are having troubles, just swim in the water, stretch out in a field, or look up at the stars. That’s how a woman cures her fears.”

Fatema Merniss

We are daughters of the woods.

We are daughters of the earth. 

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May 2017 Favourites

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I have seen a lot of youtubers do these monthly favourite videos and that inspired me to create my own! I should tell you though that this list is not really my May favourites, rather more like SOME of my 2017 favourites so far. I think that if I were to continue doing these monthly favourites, they would be much smaller in size.

Also, I find that taking photographs of “things” – especially products purchased, and then writing product descriptions – is quite a joyless activity for me. Product descriptions from their own websites will do a much better job of that. So this post is probably not going to be very informative or detailed but, rather my experiences surrounding these various things.

I’ve split the category in Beauty/Fashion, Home, Food/drink, Heart/ Mind & Soul. Something for everyone!

So here you go, some of my favourite things: Continue reading

When life gives you lemons

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I consider myself a fortunate person with a blessed life.

But I have been both the giver and receiver of lemons.

And I guess losing our daughter was a lemon. I think we can all agree on that.

But no matter what happens to me in my life, no matter what experiences I am thrown into, I have the opportunity to ask myself these questions;

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Space Girls

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My friend Laura from medical school, came to stay with me for a week. Laura and I have always loved to dream up something beautiful and try to create it in images. Each year we were together in Ireland, we would create something together. It was so nice to have an opportunity to do this again, even after we had graduated and moved to different sides of the world.

When we would do our photoshoots in Ireland, we were always limited by having to rush back home to study, or just generally filled with the doom of an impending exam. This time, we were so free, with nothing to do but to enjoy our time together and create something beautiful. We had a lot of ideas, and I’m excited to share them with you!

Here are some of the images we have created together in the past:

Laura & the roses, Laura & the ocean,  & A strangeness in the woods.

Usually I feel much more comfortable behind the camera rather than in front of it – but this time, I decided to try it out! Over the years of doing our random, amateur “photo shoots” I think Laura and I have gotten really good at working together towards our vision.

I don’t usually like to just dump photos into a blog post without any words to accompany them, but neither do I like to write captions just for the sake of writing them. So this time, here is something from us, for your eyes.

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Mother’s Day

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Mia,

in your 6 months of life you changed everything

you made a girl into a mother

a man into a father,

you turned two into three,

you showed me life,

you showed me death,

you are as close to me as you are far

with only one infuriating inch of space that separates us

and even though I am a mother who has to understand 

that your journey in this life was a short one,

I can’t help but wish that you were in my life

instead of all around it. 

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Devaki & Me

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Readers who have been following along with this blog since the beginning of time, just kidding – the beginning of this blog, will know about one of the main characters in the story of my life. And her name is Devaki (pronounced they-va-ki)

She is the daughter of my mother’s best friend. And her parents are like second parents to me. They have known me since I was 9 years old, and I have known Deki (pronounced they-ki) since she was born.

Living in Kamloops together, just a 7 minute drive from each other, I watched her grow up and she watched me. She was the sweetest little girl; imaginative, considerate, thoughtful and soft-spoken. A few years later we welcomed her little brother Ishaan into the world. He was the first baby that has fallen asleep in my arms and that is one of the loveliest things that has happened to me.

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Why I’m not a positive person

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I’ve asked some friends and they said they would consider me to be a positive person. In fact, as I walk this unimaginable path of the loss of our first unborn child, so many have told me they admire my positivity.

Even my husband often says that I’m a positive person.

But really, I’m not. I’m not a positive person.

…But I’m not a negative person either.

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27 years of life

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I am 27 years old today.

I am sitting at my parent’s dining table. It is 6:30 in the morning. The house is quiet and the new risen sun is pouring its warm white light through the window and onto me.

Over the last few years I have been compiling a list of lessons, reflections and realizations I experience in my life. 2 years ago I shared everything I had written in there to that point. You can find that post here.

Since then I have learned a few more things and I would like to share them with you today.


Never touch anything with half of your heart.

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Reflections on life without my baby

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This experience is good for me.

It’s good for me because it turned my entire life into a giant question mark.

And I think it’s a good thing to feel like that from time to time.

I have seen how fragile life is. It was a topic that I had been contemplating before I became pregnant with Mia. It was a concept that had become illuminated in my life. And now I know it more deeply.

Last summer, I had been thinking about death and my own mortality a lotFor the first time, really. At the time I finally realized that I was walking through life like I was invincible to death. And I felt that was a foolish way to live when I understood that life is not promised to me.

Going through this journey with Mia has taught me that death is just as beautiful and just as necessary as birth.

And now, I see the gift of life.

In my mind, I picture two newborn babies. One, perhaps a child of my future, who is born alive. And the other, my Mia, who is born sleeping.

The difference between these two babies, the life that exists in one, and the life that is absent in the other, it is invisible. And yet it is everything.

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