Reflections of me

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I initially wrote this post in a private blog that I write in, but I thought I would share these self-reflections with you today – perhaps you and I have shared some of these experiences, or perhaps not. But I like to hear about the personal growth journeys of others, so I hope you may enjoy reading this too.

My life has been pretty easy for me. For the most part. Losing my first baby was a truly humbling experience. Everything else that I have struggled with in my life has been mostly my doing.

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Reya’s Birth Story

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The last trimester of my pregnancy after loss was riddled with anxiety. I had never made it this far into pregnancy before. I thought to myself – if I can just make it to that point, the week where her sister died, and if things were still okay, then maybe I could finally relax. But instead, I felt a new layer of anxiety unearth itself around me, as I entered into parts of a pregnancy that I have never experienced before. With each day that passed, I fell deeper in love, and with each day that passed, I had more and more to lose. I was being seen at the high risk maternity clinic every week from 30 weeks, as we noticed that Reya’s growth was beginning to slow down. She had  dropped from the 11th centile to the 6th to the 4th and then to the 2nd. Our doctor let us know that the chances of making it to the full 40 weeks was highly unlikely, and that we should prepare for a premature delivery. But he sounded optimistic, and he told us that she was a good size to be born, and that preemie babies at this gestation tend to do very well.

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28 years

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This time when I opened up my Evernote note on my laptop where I collect all my lessons and reflections on life throughout the year, so that I can share them with you on my birthday – I thought to myself “Hmmm, I don’t think I learned that much this year.” 

….But WordPress is telling me that this blog post is over 2000 words, so perhaps I did learn a few things after all! 

Thank you for being so patient with me. I know that I have been neglecting my blog, but it is something I would like to come back to, and I will. 

Here are links to my birthday reflections from 27 years old, and 25


It is a foolish thing to live another day of your life like it was promised to you.

You can make a person smile. You can make a person laugh. But you cannot make a person happy.

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This ache and this healing

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When I was pregnant with Reya, I attended the high risk maternity clinic every 1-2 weeks. During one of these appointments, as I walked down the hallway, I saw that the door to one of the examination rooms was open. Inside, there was a couple; the woman was sobbing into her hands, her husband’s eyes were dark and wet, and he was holding her.

I felt that woman’s pain that day, and I will always feel her pain. Because I was her, not too long ago. And I am coming to realize that no matter how much time passes, I will never be too far from that pain. The pain of losing your child.

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For my daughter

 

 

Dear Reya,

 

As I write you this letter, you are 3 weeks old, and nestled up close to me. And I want to tell you something. I want to put pen to paper, and write down the beginning of your story. And your story begins with us. We are your parents. Your father is a kind man. He is loving and courageous and golden and true. He protects my heart and in so many ways, it is because of him that I am the woman I am today. And I am your mother. I don’t much know how I would describe myself, but I get the feeling I won’t have to. We have a lifetime of getting to know each other. Your father and I found a big love in our togetherness, and this is what you were made from, and are born into. 

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28 weeks

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Dear friends,

I seem to have come down with the flu. I’m disappointed because I had so much work I was supposed to do today and now the thought of reading a textbook and answering question banks seems a little out of my reach for now.

Instead, I thought, maybe I should curl back up in bed and write to you. It’s been a while, and I am sorry for that. This whole year has been such a big beautiful mess. I haven’t much felt like myself a lot of the time. More like – carving a new/old self out of whatever remained after my daughter died.

One thing I have been throughout this year, however – is present. Life forced me to be. I can’t be anywhere else but now. I can’t be any way else but this.

I am pregnant again. I had shared the news of this pregnancy a few weeks ago on instagram, so this may not be new to you.

But it has been 28 weeks of growing a little sister for Mia.

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How to notice the magic of life

 

Magic 1.jpgI once got an e-mail from a reader who once asked about the magic of life, how to see it, how to feel it, how to live from within it.

The magic of life; the most beautiful thing about it is that it is already the fabric of everything, we just have to notice it.

Here are some of the magic that I have noticed in my life. I hope that it may bring a soft, sweet awareness to your day.

Most of the things I have written here, are things we do or experience everyday, but we do it mindlessly, without noticing the majesty of it all. When we do that, we miss the magic of life. I believe that bringing some awareness to these simple acts and truths, can truly transform your life. It has certainly changed mine.

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Summer Favourites 2017

Hi blog family,

I have thrown myself back into studying, so that has made it a little more difficult to find time and energy to write. But I have missed you so.

After doing my first ever monthly favourite post (May Favourites 2017), I had planned to do one every month, but each month I kept thinking “I don’t have enough favourites for this to be a wholesome post.”

And now I feel like there’s TOO many. How did that happen? My husband often says I’m an “all or nothing” kind of girl. So here are ALL my favourites from this summer.

But…before we get to that, I have a big favour to ask you all.

The Butterfly Awards

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I was nominated for International Author/Blogger for the Butterfly awards – a UK based initiative to raise awareness about baby and infant loss, and that provides tremendous support for families who have lost their baby. I don’t feel deserving for such nomination, I don’t think I am an adequate spokesperson for such a earth-shattering experience. I don’t feel strong, I just feel like I had no choice. But in sharing our story, I was held by so much love and for that I want to give something back. Maybe you have followed our story through my blog over the last few months, or maybe you know someone who is going through the loss of their baby and it would help them to know that they are not alone.

If you would like to read my profile that is up for nomination, and send a vote my way by clicking on the red love heart on the page, I would be very grateful.

Click to see my profile and vote by clicking the red love heart

Their website has so many articles that help to prepare you to meet your baby who has died. I remember in the days after realizing that our daughter would die, I felt so alone and so afraid of what was to come. I felt like I was the only one in the world that this had happened to. And I didn’t know what to google, I didn’t know what to search for. But I had so many questions, and so many fears.

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But here, there are posts to prepare you for everything to do with meeting your stillborn baby. There is an article to prepare you for how your baby may look at different gestations – I know that was something that worried me a lot at the time (she was the sweetest little thing I ever did see). There are posts on planning your birth, coping with the physical and emotional pain of a labour that will not give you your living baby, knowing your options on how you can spend those few cherished hours with them after they are born, and how to say goodbye and to go home with empty arms.

I would like to raise awareness for resources like this for those who walk this path of baby and infant loss. It is not easy, but we are not alone. Since then, I have made friends with so many mothers of angels, and many of whom have gone onto have their precious rainbow babies. There is a lot of sadness but there is also so much hope.

Thank you for reading, thank you for supporting me, and thank you for your vote.

Let me know if you have voted, or if you have any problems placing your vote. I know that some people have had some troubles with it not going through.

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My babygirl’s feet.

Now, back to my summer favourites!

—Beauty & Fashion—

Green hair

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98% of the time I am drawn towards natural long dark hair. 2% of the time I want to dye my entire hair some outlandish colour. This summer I decided to indulge in that 2%. Why not.

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My little bird that flew away

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Life has been floating by. I stopped writing and I stopped taking photographs. I just couldn’t find it in me. I think there was too much to feel and be a part of lately.

After Mia’s due date passed, I couldn’t quite come back from it.  The day itself was as difficult as I had anticipated, but there was a heaviness in the weeks to follow that made life slow and tired.  I feel forever changed, touched by death.

I spent a short time with my parents in BC. One afternoon I said to my mother “I am to you what Mia is to me. You must love me so much.”

My mom just smiled.

Slowly, I find myself coming back to my words.

And I wrote something about my daughter. It was too big to be a poem, and too small to be a story. So here it is, rough, but loved – a little piece of writing from my heart.


I waited for you, for a very long time, since the beginning of the winter, since the beginning of time. You promised you would come one summer, and that one day we would meet, one day we would fly together, and my heart would be complete.

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Daughters of the woods

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I’m finding it difficult to write these days. This month of June is a heavy one for me, because it is the month that would have been my daughter Mia’s due date, on the 22nd. My sadness disguises itself as many different things, and my grief twists its way around everything I touch. I sit down every morning to write to you, but no words come.

So instead, please join me as I revisit memories of a warm, cloudy afternoon in May.

Three sisters and our dog, playing by the small trickling stream, stepping on slippery rocks, wetting our feet in the cold water.

Holding hands and running through the hills made of long, long grass.

And walking bravely at the edge of it all – where the blue mountains meet the sky.

“Nature is a woman’s best friend. If you are having troubles, just swim in the water, stretch out in a field, or look up at the stars. That’s how a woman cures her fears.”

Fatema Merniss

We are daughters of the woods.

We are daughters of the earth. 

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