Born still, but still born

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My baby was born still,

in a quiet room,

with her big eyes closed.

But she was still born,

just sleeping soft,

held 6 months in my womb.

My baby was so small,

that she fit right in

to her father’s hand

My baby was

still born, but she was still held

My  baby’s heart did not beat,

but mine was broken,

cracked in two

and yet all the while, 

bursting in ecstacy for her 

because my baby was 

still born, but she was still loved.

My baby was born in quiet room,

and she did not cry,

but the roar of her presence 

was so loud 

because my baby was

still born, but she was still heard.

The next day

my baby was taken away,

to another room and another world

that we could not go,

but she lives on within us

because my baby was

still born, but she is still ours

My baby was set free,

in a soft stream

of cool flowing water,

my baby was born still,

but she was still born

and still my daughter.

A messy poem I have written for our girl. It isn’t perfect, and nothing seems to flow, but it is the truest reflection of what is in my heart.

Well, I always said I wanted to make my blog more personal – to write about my experiences and about life as I’m living it, rather than it being a textbook of instructions. And now it can’t be anything but intimate. I can’t write anything other than my truth, and what is at the center of it. And right now, the center of it is a blend of deep grief and gladness.

I like to write. Writing is soothing and healing for me. And so I will write.

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Mia’s birth story

I love this part of the story. It’s my favourite part.

For most people, the best part of pregnancy is having a baby. For me, it was going labour and birthing my daughter. For me, the best part of pregnancy was the pain. It’s a morbid and sad thing to realize, but I have not known it any other way.

I don’t know what it is to give birth to a baby who is alive and who I can bring home and watch her grow up. But I know what it is to give birth to my daughter. And it was the most beautiful experience of my life.

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The short bright life of my daughter

17269052_10154205077655964_1503068230_oThis is the the hardest story that I am living, and the most difficult one to write about.

I knew I wanted to share this part of my pregnancy with you too, because it is real and true  and heartbreaking and a part of my life that I cannot ignore or deny.

But I am conscious that it is not only my story to tell. It is also my husband’s story, and his comfort is mine and his pain is also mine. So it is only with his permission that I share this with you today.

We had to say goodbye to our sweet baby girl at 6 months of pregnancy.

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Valentines Day

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People like us,

we don’t need that much

just someone who starts,

starts the fire in the our

bonfire heart.

–  Bonfire Heart by James Blunt

We couldn’t do much to celebrate our anniversary in December because literally everything made me nauseated. I wanted to share a post with you all on our anniversary dedicated to my husband, and here it is now – better late than never.

Usually for valentines day, I prefer to make a small, hand made gift for my love. But this year, I went all out. This is what not having a job will do to you. I literally dedicated my entire day (and some) to making his valentines day experience. I sent some of these photos to my sister in law and she said “Omg, this is so extra.” and I thought – yes, this is absolutely, unmistakably “extra”.

(She also introduced me to this word a few weeks ago. She keeps us cool.)

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The energy of 2017

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This year I only have one resolution.

Only one thing I resolve to do.

I only desire to keep my spiritual practices as my priority in each day of 2017.

I guess there are a couple of reasons why I came to this, but the main reason is that it’s truly the only thing I really want to do. Like, really, really want to do.

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I am a Mother of the world: Spirituality in pregnancy

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Mother of the world

In September I attended Isha’s Inner Engineering program. During the course, a concept that really permeated deep into me was realizing that I have the capacity within me to be a mother to all beings of this world. This was weeks before I found out that I was pregnant. I am a mother of the world. A mother is creation and nurturing. A mother is your biggest cheerleader, she believes endlessly in your goodness, a mother picks you up and puts you together again when you are broken in a heap on the floor.

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The warm glow of new life + First trimester update!

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My dear friends and readers,

I have the most wonderful news to share with you. We are having a baby!

2 glorious lines

A home away from home

A few years ago, I used to share photographs each month of the life that has happened in that time. Somewhere along the line, I decided to stop sharing so many personal things about me.

But lately, I have had a change of heart. The stories of my life is the unique path I take to my own liberation. My own journey to bliss. And for me, that is something worth sharing.

Any one can read a text book on spirituality. In fact, there are blogs out there that serve as much better and more reliable sources of spiritual knowledge, than my writings. And if that was what people wanted to read, they would undoubtedly find them instead. So I don’t think that’s why you read my blog. And quite honestly, that isn’t why I write my blog, either.

Anyway, I digress.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post on being more open with you. And that is something I still wish to do. So, Today, I share with you all the life that has happened since I went back to my parents home in BC for the last 10 days.

There is something wrong with my SLR ( 😦 ), so these photographs were taken with my cell phone.

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Leaving Toronto. 6am flight.

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The first of a new month

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I love firsts. I love the first of a new year, but also a new month, a new week, even a new day. There are so many opportunities to be re-evaluate and to refresh the feel of your life. This is something that is very important to me because I am certain about one thing – I do not want to let anymore time pass without me becoming a better human being or having a better experience of life.

Here is a glimpse of some of the things I like to look at at the beginning of a new month.

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The power of getting somewhere

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So…I have been distracted with the new Facebook page I created for this blog. It’s a nice change from blogging, with shorter more frequent posts. More photographs and visuals. More personal. I wish I was better at this social media stuff, but I guess I can start here.

Today I am writing about something that is very much rooted in my own self-reflection; a pattern of complacency and tendency for mediocrity that I have noticed in myself. This blog post may be more of a rambling than anything else. Perhaps something more for my diary, than for my blog. But here it is anyway.

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