Why I’m not a positive person

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I’ve asked some friends and they said they would consider me to be a positive person. In fact, as I walk this unimaginable path of the loss of our first unborn child, so many have told me they admire my positivity.

Even my husband often says that I’m a positive person.

But really, I’m not. I’m not a positive person.

…But I’m not a negative person either.

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Reflections on life without my baby

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This experience is good for me.

It’s good for me because it turned my entire life into a giant question mark.

And I think it’s a good thing to feel like that from time to time.

I have seen how fragile life is. It was a topic that I had been contemplating before I became pregnant with Mia. It was a concept that had become illuminated in my life. And now I know it more deeply.

Last summer, I had been thinking about death and my own mortality a lotFor the first time, really. At the time I finally realized that I was walking through life like I was invincible to death. And I felt that was a foolish way to live when I understood that life is not promised to me.

Going through this journey with Mia has taught me that death is just as beautiful and just as necessary as birth.

And now, I see the gift of life.

In my mind, I picture two newborn babies. One, perhaps a child of my future, who is born alive. And the other, my Mia, who is born sleeping.

The difference between these two babies, the life that exists in one, and the life that is absent in the other, it is invisible. And yet it is everything.

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How we transformed our marriage

Note: I had been wanting to share some photographs from our wedding day 2 years ago, but for some reason never got around to it. So I have included them in this post 🙂 The photographs bring me back to such a wonderful day in my life, and I hope you enjoy them. 

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I have something to tell you. My marriage is blossoming.

It is so full of love. And joy.

It feels like a flower that is in bloom in the summer. The season is right. The atmosphere is right. The flower grows and blooms and it is beautiful. I don’t need to do anything, I only need to admire its grace.

But it wasn’t always like this. There were a lot of bumps in the beginning.

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Born still, but still born

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My baby was born still,

in a quiet room,

with her big eyes closed.

But she was still born,

just sleeping soft,

held 6 months in my womb.

My baby was so small,

that she fit right in

to her father’s hand

My baby was

still born, but she was still held

My  baby’s heart did not beat,

but mine was broken,

cracked in two

and yet all the while, 

bursting in ecstacy for her 

because my baby was 

still born, but she was still loved.

My baby was born in quiet room,

and she did not cry,

but the roar of her presence 

was so loud 

because my baby was

still born, but she was still heard.

The next day

my baby was taken away,

to another room and another world

that we could not go,

but she lives on within us

because my baby was

still born, but she is still ours

My baby was set free,

in a soft stream

of cool flowing water,

my baby was born still,

but she was still born

and still my daughter.

A messy poem I have written for our girl. It isn’t perfect, and nothing seems to flow, but it is the truest reflection of what is in my heart.

Well, I always said I wanted to make my blog more personal – to write about my experiences and about life as I’m living it, rather than it being a textbook of instructions. And now it can’t be anything but intimate. I can’t write anything other than my truth, and what is at the center of it. And right now, the center of it is a blend of deep grief and gladness.

I like to write. Writing is soothing and healing for me. And so I will write.

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Mia’s birth story

I love this part of the story. It’s my favourite part.

For most people, the best part of pregnancy is having a baby. For me, it was going labour and birthing my daughter. For me, the best part of pregnancy was the pain. It’s a morbid and sad thing to realize, but I have not known it any other way.

I don’t know what it is to give birth to a baby who is alive and who I can bring home and watch her grow up. But I know what it is to give birth to my daughter. And it was the most beautiful experience of my life.

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The short bright life of my daughter

17269052_10154205077655964_1503068230_oThis is the the hardest story that I am living, and the most difficult one to write about.

I knew I wanted to share this part of my pregnancy with you too, because it is real and true  and heartbreaking and a part of my life that I cannot ignore or deny.

But I am conscious that it is not only my story to tell. It is also my husband’s story, and his comfort is mine and his pain is also mine. So it is only with his permission that I share this with you today.

We had to say goodbye to our sweet baby girl at 6 months of pregnancy.

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Cravings of the soul

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When was the last time you really craved something? And what was it?

Ice cream? At 12am?

For most of us our cravings live and die in the realm of food.

But what about a spiritual yearning? A craving for intense expansion and vibrancy in life? Does it come as intensely, as frequently, or even as naturally as when we crave a particular food?

And if not, why not?

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Valentines Day

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People like us,

we don’t need that much

just someone who starts,

starts the fire in the our

bonfire heart.

–  Bonfire Heart by James Blunt

We couldn’t do much to celebrate our anniversary in December because literally everything made me nauseated. I wanted to share a post with you all on our anniversary dedicated to my husband, and here it is now – better late than never.

Usually for valentines day, I prefer to make a small, hand made gift for my love. But this year, I went all out. This is what not having a job will do to you. I literally dedicated my entire day (and some) to making his valentines day experience. I sent some of these photos to my sister in law and she said “Omg, this is so extra.” and I thought – yes, this is absolutely, unmistakably “extra”.

(She also introduced me to this word a few weeks ago. She keeps us cool.)

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4 small steps to changing your life

 

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1. It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it

When I think about changing my life, I would think of all the different things I would rather be doing with my time. I think to myself; “to change my life, I need to change what I do, because what I do makes up so much of my day and my life.”

But, I have come to understand maybe that it is not necessarily what I do, maybe it’s how I do it.

The first step is just so easy. Keep doing what you always do, but put all your energy and intensity into how you do it.

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The power of Rudraksh

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Since mid last year I have had my heart set on finding an authentic rudraksha mala. And finally, I have found one and it has found me! Thank you to my husband, who gifted it to me from the Isha Shoppe, after sathsang last saturday.

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